Sometimes we shoot ourselves in the foot.

I was talking recently with Michael Brooks, the innovative director of the Hillel Foundation at the University of Michigan and a much sought-after community consultant. The conversation turned to the problem of reaching unaffiliated Jews, especially young people of college age. I wondered why synagogues have such a hard time thinking differently about this population, which by and large doesn’t join anything. Michael agreed and told me the following story:

“Two of my graduate students decided to get married and they asked me if I would be their m’sadair kiddushin (officiant of the wedding). But I was scheduled to be out of the country on the date they chose. So I recommended a rabbi friend in their local community. The students called the rabbi, told him that I had sent them, and asked if he would do the wedding.

‘Oh, I am so sorry,’ the rabbi replied. ‘I’d love to do it for you, but I can’t."

‘Why not?" the students asked.

‘Because the synagogue policy is that I can only do weddings for members of the congregation." My students were devastated. When they told me about this response, I called my friend the rabbi.

‘I can’t believe you turned these bright young people away," I said.

‘But I can’t go against the policy of the synagogue," he protested.

‘Chochem!" I chided him. [The word means "wise one" but it is said sarcastically to indicate just the opposite meaning.]

‘So don’t go against the policy of the synagogue. Offer them a free one-year membership to the congregation, they’ll become members, and you can do the wedding! This will give you and the synagogue a year to convince them of why it’s a privilege to be a dues-paying member of your synagogue."”

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